Content Warning: This post discusses grief, trauma, addiction, and loss. Please take care of yourself while reading. 🤍
Grief is one of the most universal human experiences—and one of the most misunderstood. It is often reduced to sadness, expected to follow a predictable timeline in certain stages, and quietly tolerated only for a short period of time. In reality, grief affects the brain, the body, relationships, finances, memory, identity, and even how a person moves through the world.
Before we talk about healing or “moving forward,” we need to understand what grief actually is and how it affects our Neurology—and why it looks so different depending on the person, the relationship, and the circumstances of the loss.
1. What Grief Is (and What It Isn’t)
Grief is a natural psychological, neurological, and physical response to loss (APA). While death is the most recognized trigger, grief can also come from the loss of safety, stability, identity, or a future someone expected to have (CDC).
Grief is not a weakness, not a lack of resilience, not a sign someone is “doing it wrong,” and not something a person simply gets over. Grief is not a checklist—it is a process—and that process looks different for every person.
2. The Stages of Grief (And Why They Aren’t Linear)
Many people are familiar with the commonly referenced stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages were never intended to be defined with a strict timeline or a universal experience. There is no playbook for Grief and the best way for each individual to move forward. Even the researchers associated with early grief models emphasized that they describe possible emotional states, not a prescribed order (Stroebe & Schut).
Most people do not move through these stages neatly. Some experience several of the stages at once, some skip stages entirely, and many revisit the same stage repeatedly—even years later. Understanding the stages can help name and understand these emotions, but they become harmful when used as a measure of how well someone is “coping.”
I never really felt like I personally had denial over his death that I really recall. Shock maybe for a short period. But bargaining, depression, and acceptance really juggled together overtime. And I remember the exact day I experienced actual anger towards him. Of course I am mad at the person who gave him the poisoned pill — but I had never had anger towards Dustin. I remember it so vividly because I think it was such a foreign feeling — anger is the last thing I had felt towards Dustin until then (it was the day I lost the third job since he had passed – and that anger lasted 1 day and I havent felt that way since). In my head, I wouldn’t be struggling in my career had he not left us. I knew it was a kind of a breakthrough, because it is healthy to have those feelings — but that was literally not until 3 years after his death before I experienced real anger towards him particularly. Then I felt guilt about it.
So the levels of grief, the length, strength, etc. all depends on the person and how their mental state is, how they think about things, their outlook, and more. But one thing is sure – there is no correct way to grieve.
3. Grief on Different Levels: Why Relationship Matters
The same death can produce very different grief experiences, depending on the relationship to the person who died (Stroebe et al., The Lancet).
Immediate Family
The loss of a parent, child, or sibling is associated with long-term psychological and physical health risks, including increased rates of depression, anxiety, cardiovascular disease, immune suppression, and chronic stress (National Institute of Mental Health).
In families—particularly when parents lose a child—grief often disrupts relationships. Parents may grieve on different timelines, cope in different ways, or struggle to communicate their pain to one another. Research shows this mismatch can place significant strain on marriages, sometimes leading to increased conflict, emotional distance, or separation. While not all marriages end, many are permanently altered by the loss (National Institute on Mental Health).
Romantic Partners and Spouses
The loss of a spouse or long-term partner is considered one of the most stressful life events a person can experience (Holmes & Rahe Stress Scale).
Surviving partners experience significantly higher rates of depression and anxiety, increased risk of cardiovascular disease and early mortality, and disrupted sleep and immune function (American Psychiatric Association; NIMH). In many cases, grief is compounded by sudden changes in daily life—shared routines, future plans, and, often, financial stability. The loss of shared income, housing security, or benefits can intensify stress and delay emotional recovery, especially when the death is sudden or traumatic (CDC; Mental Health America).
Friends and Non-Family Relationships
4. Grief by the Numbers: What the Data Shows
Grief is not rare or abnormal—it is widespread and impactful.
Research shows that while 100% of people will experience grief at some point in life, 30–40% of bereaved individuals report grief severe enough to interfere with daily functioning for months or longer (APA). Approximately 1 in 10 adults develop Prolonged Grief Disorder, a diagnosable condition recognized by both the APA and World Health Organization.
When death is sudden, violent, preventable, or substance-related, the risk of prolonged or traumatic grief rises to 20–30% or higher (Shear et al.). Up to 60% of people experiencing traumatic loss report symptoms consistent with PTSD, depression, or severe anxiety within the first year (NIMH). Bereaved spouses face a 40–50% increased risk of mortality in the years following partner loss—often referred to as the widowhood effect. However, I believe this is probably more common in more elderly couples (Stroebe et al.).
While some people notice grief softening within 6–12 months, many experience waves of grief that persist for years or resurface over time. That sure has been my experience. There is no universal timeline—and no playbook for how grief “should” look. Grief is not just emotional; it is medical, neurological, social, and economic.
5. Grief and Trauma: When Loss Triggers Survival Mode
When death is sudden, violent, preventable, or tied to addiction, grief often overlaps with trauma (NIMH).
6. What the Brain Looks Like: Normal vs. Grief vs. Trauma
As mentioned in a previous blog, many people describe grief as a very real before and after. I was a different person before he passed than I am now. It can feel like learning to walk on new legs—balance is off, nothing is instinctive, and even simple tasks that you never thought twice about before now take effort. This isn’t regression. It’s neurological adaptation.
Understanding grief doesn’t make it hurt less, but it does help remove shame. Grief is not a problem to solve; it is an experience to survive. The following images shows what a normal brain vs a brain with grief and/or trauma.
Where This Series Goes From Here
This post focused on understanding grief, a mini understanding of the science and statistics about what grief truly is, how it affects the brain and body, and why it looks so different depending on relationships and circumstances.
Part 2 next week will discuss my lived experience: what grief looked like for me when the world kept moving and I was left learning how to carry the loss and trauma day by day. I will also provide an observation of what I witnessed from his family since our loss. I understand grief is going to be much different for a partner vs a parent. I can only imagine what it feels like to be in that position. The pain and way I struggled, and still struggle, I can’t fully put into words. However, seeing what his family has gone through, has honestly been incredibly heartbreaking. His loss has affected many lives for the rest of our life.
Thanks for reading this week — hope to see you next week for Part 2 of Dustin’s Series.
Sources
American Psychiatric Association • World Health Organization (ICD-11) • National Institute of Mental Health • Centers for Disease Control and Prevention • Stroebe et al., The Lancet • Shear et al., World Psychiatry • Eisenberger et al.
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