Dustin Gene Gotham – Born January 17, 1990, Forever 32
Always Loved; Never Forgotten
Content Warning
This post discusses addiction, anxiety, incarceration, and loss. While graphic details are not included, the content may still be emotionally difficult for some readers. Please take care while reading. Support resources are available on the Resources tab. 🤍
This post isn’t about grief and it isn’t about how Dustin died.
It’s about who Dustin was when he was alive — the parts of him that don’t fit into any stereotype or assumptions people may have made about him. He was so far from it.
Dustin was one of the smartest and most thoughtful humans I had ever met. He had habits, opinions, humor, and routines. He could be hard-headed, incredibly thoughtful, deeply caring, and intentional — all at the same time. He was one of the more complex individuals I have ever met.
He showed up in ways that were often quiet and unnoticed. He noticed the small things.
“Legacy is not leaving something behind for other people. It’s leaving something behind in other people.” – Peter Stropole
How We Met
When we met in treatment, we didn’t actually spend much time together at first. We talked during group activities, joked like everyone else, but Dustin was confined to the detox unit because he didn’t have insurance. At that point, we were more familiar faces than anything else.
Then one night, I heard he was causing enough of a scene that staff and other patients were debating calling the police, they couldn’t “get him under control”. I wasn’t scared of him. I knew he just needed someone to listen to him. He wasn’t even allowed to do rehabilitation activities in a lot of cases with us, because of insurance. If you knew what he had been through in the months prior, I think anyone would feel that way he felt that night.
I had cigarettes — which is a great way to make friends in treatment 😅 — and even though it was past curfew, I went to my counselor and asked if I could go down to detox and talk to him. She was concerned not only “for my safety” but also breaking the rules. I told her that wasn’t necessary to be concerned (I lied a bit and said something that changed her mind), I didn’t think she would say yes, but eventually she did. I think it was their last-ditch effort to avoid calling the police.
I truly believed I could get through to him. And even if I couldn’t, I wasn’t scared of him doing anything to me. He was a big guy and could play the hard part — but that was never how I saw him.
I remember walking up behind him as he sat on the couch with his fist clenched. I already had a cigarette out. At first, the death stare he gave me quickly relaxed — it was actually kind of funny. The minute he saw me, the tension dropped. I remember the little smirk he gave me, fully aware of the shit show he had caused. I held up a cigarette and we walked outside, without a single word being said until then.
It felt like everyone was too intimidated to tell him what he could or couldn’t do — or he was too mad to listen. I’m glad they didn’t call the police. We ended up talking for at least an hour, well past when I should have been back, but no one bothered us. He actually did really well the rest of his time there. I even got him to try yoga once — it lasted about five minutes before he walked out 😅 and literally said out loud, “fuck this”. I remember the instructors face; she is someone I met many times after in recovery.
That night solidified our bond and our friendship. We learned a lot about each other’s situations. There was an ease after that. A trust formed that didn’t need explaining. It’s kind of amazing how quickly genuine friendships form in treatment or recovery — I’m still in contact with several people I met there.
By the time I got out, Dustin had already tried to contact me. The romance came shortly after, but it didn’t start that way. That moment was the foundation. He trusted me — and he didn’t trust many. But I showed up. Many times. Everything else followed naturally.
Who Dustin Was in Everyday Life
Dustin didn’t show love through grand gestures. He showed it through consistency.
I often gave him a ride to work, and when he had to leave early — knowing I was not a morning person — he would have everything ready. My slippers next to me. An energy drink over ice. A cigarette (used to be a heavy smoker). My purse. Everything I could possibly need to leave the house. He would literally cater to me until I dropped him off; it was always so sweet (even as a bed-head, crazy ass woman lol).
He never expected credit. He just did it because he appreciated me. I always thought how incredibly thoughtful it was.
Those things may sound small, but they weren’t. They showed awareness. They showed effort. He paid attention. During a good portion of our relationship, I was in deep depression and extremely stressed, and he wanted my days to be easier. And yes, a lot of that stress came from him sometimes, our relationship was far from perfect, but I know that was never his intention. When he was good he was amazing.
I told him often how much I appreciated it, and he always brushed it off like it was nothing, but it’s the kind of care you don’t fully understand the weight of until it’s gone.
“Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you.”
– Shannon Alder
The Way He Loved Me
We both made mistakes in our relationship. Big ones. It wasn’t always healthy (probably an understatement).
However, one thing about Dustin, when I was in the wrong and tried to apologize, Dustin rarely even let me finish. He would just say, “It’s okay.” And that was it. Almost like he thought he deserved it.
Sometimes that made me feel worse — because I felt like I deserved for him to be mad. Like, yell at me! Hell, I deserve a smack after one or two of those instances. That’s how I was used to communicating. But he never made me feel small. He didn’t keep score. And the only time he even got loud with me was when addiction was involved. But he would never even think of physically hurting me – even in addiction. He could act scary, yes – but I never thought he was going to hurt me (his mom would beat his ass 10x over lol).
He accepted me exactly as I was. He loved me in a way that’s hard to explain — steady, unconditional, without hesitation. And he made sure I knew it every single day, even if it was just a sticky note on my laptop in the morning. He always did something.
Most people didn’t know that side of him — how kind, caring, and thoughtful he was behind the rough exterior.
“What you do for yourself dies with you when you leave this world, what you do for others and the world remains and is immortal”
– Albert Pine
He Was a Protector
Dustin hated seeing me upset. If something was bothering me and it was within his control, he would do whatever he could to make it better — humor, kindness, or simply being there.
He was protective, but never jealous. He trusted me completely. There were no interrogations, no suspicion. That was new to me in a relationship.
His protectiveness showed up as steadiness. As believing me. As backing me without hesitation — even when he probably shouldn’t have. He would never let any harm come my way if he could prevent it. He was dependable. I never had to wonder if he’d be there. He always was. He would have done anything to protect me, and that was definitely a feeling I don’t know, possibly had never truly known even as a child. I was the fighter. But I didnt have to be with him.
The Life He Wanted
Dustin didn’t just live day to day — he had a life in mind that he genuinely wanted. We talked about it often, especially near the end when we were finally in a healthy place.
He wanted to get married. He wanted children — usually two, sometimes four to six (mostly to get a reaction out of me I think). We joked about little Devil Gotham’s running around (kinda terrifying at the time 😅).
These weren’t just ideas. They were plans. It was everything neither of us had experienced before as adults. He wanted a future he earned — built on growth, love, and showing up.
The Way He Loved — Family, Luna, and the Small Moments
Dustin’s family meant the world to him. He loved his siblings deeply and talked about them often. He admired his parents immensely — his mom was, in his eyes, the best woman to walk the earth, and his dad was his biggest role model. He carried guilt for what he had put them through earlier in life, but he was proud of who he had become, and he was proud to tell his parents about it.
And Luna — Luna was his everything.
He joked that he liked dogs more than humans because dogs are so innocent (made that comment so often it was probably true lol). He would say they are the only creatures that think we are the best thing in the world, they count on us for everything, and even if they are being treated like shit, they still love unconditionally. And honestly, he wasn’t wrong. We don’t deserve them. When I see Luna or Bowser looking at me like I’m the best thing in the world, when I feel like a 🗑️, they bring a smile to my face. They know when I’m sad and often try to either freak out because they don’t know what to do about it or try to lick the tears clean. Humans really don’t deserve them…. and I digress. It was a conversation we had many times.
But Luna wasn’t just a dog. She was his baby. He loved her like a daughter, literally. He was patient with both Luna and Bowser and genuinely devoted to them.
During COVID, when he lost his job and I was working long hours from home, he mostly took care of the dogs. He played fetch for hours — not because he had to, but because he loved it. I thought he would be an amazing dog trainer or open a boarding place one day. He just loved animals in general.
He talked to them like they understood every word…. kinda like I do lol. He was always fully present when sober. Those moments showed exactly who he was when nothing was being asked of him: patient, engaged, gentle, caring, and so full of love.
I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
– Maya Angelou
His Struggles
Dustin struggled with addiction and extreme anxiety. His mother told me he’d had panic attacks since childhood that woke him up in the middle of the night. He also suffered from severe seizures (multiple scary moments I had to call 911).
When he would wake up from these attacks, he tried to hard not to wake me, and he was good at it. But when I would wake up, watching that was the worst kind of helplessness, because there was nothing I could do to fix it (legally or morally). I could sit with him, try to talk to him, try to ground him — but you just had to watch someone you love suffer. That kind of anxiety shaped how hard he was on himself, even on good days, and the difficulty he had in his addiction.
Years before we met, due to an act he did deep in his addiction, he went to prison for almost 5 years I believe. Prison didn’t rehabilitate him — it hardened him. I saw before and after pictures. His parents told me he went in a “happy boy” and came out a different person… a guarded, armored, and hardened man. It took years for that armor to start falling off after I met him. It never totally did. But you can see it in photos over the years — the gradual softening, the return of who he really was.
Underneath it all, he was still the same person who wanted connections and a meaningful life, just like everyone else. I don’t think he ever fully learned how to live a normal life again after prison. But he sure tried and the last six months of his life were different. He was finally on that path.
They were the best he had experienced as an adult, his family has told me. He was six months sober, working the program with a sponsor, present, hopeful, and engaged. He looked happy. He enjoyed meetings (for the first time). He wasn’t the same man I met in treatment — and I loved the new positive version of himself.
Those months were full. They were meaningful. They mattered. And they are something I will never forget. We did a lot in that last year that he hadn’t experienced before: NFL Game, Colorado vacation, and I think the most recent before he left was a Joe Rogan comedy show. He was so excited about that one — he listened to Joe Rogan’s podcast, literally everyday, while he was working. So I got him tickets for Christmas that year (even though he wasn’t used to doing presents due to religious reasons, I couldn’t help but get him something on birthdays and Christmas, and I am so glad I did because a lot of those were the “firsts” that wouldn’t of happened for him otherwise).
Closing: What His Legacy Really Is
Dustin’s legacy isn’t one mistake, one struggle, or one ending.
His legacy is the life he wanted.
His legacy is the love he gave.
His legacy is the trust and loyalty he offered freely.
His legacy is the effort he made to make others feel better, even when life was incredibly heavy.
His legacy is so much more and a mix of so many things.
He wasn’t perfect. He didn’t need to be. He was present. He was loving. He was thoughtful. He was protective. And he tried. Period.
That’s what truly mattered. A legacy based on your ending or what you achieved. It lives in the effort to grow to be a better person, the plans to do better for a better life (even if it was a struggle), the values someone refused to compromise, the courage to stand up for what was right, and the overwhelming love they gave without expecting anything in return.
That is Dustin’s Legacy — it’s in the truth of who he was and the life he was still working so hard to build. He is the guardian angel who picks me up when I don’t think I can go anymore.
That’s who Dustin really was — and is. I hope he is looking down and proud of what I have done since he left us. I truly believe he would be, I don’t have any doubts about that. I will never stop missing him. I will never stop loving him. I will never stop tearing up every time I think about everything we are talking about this month. He will always be loved, I will never stop fighting for the truth and justice, and I will ensure his name will never be forgotten – never.
Love you forever & always 💚
“The deeds you do for yourself are gone when you pass away, but the deeds you do for others remain as your legacy.” – Anonymous
I couldn’t choose a specific song for this post — I would add 20 probably if it wouldn’t be overkill lol – so I just thought of a few that really hit me in the gut when I hear it – more will be shared in the future.
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