Opening: What It Is, What It Feels Like, and What It Looked Like for Me
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been writing about diagnoses that still affect my everyday life. However, I want to take time to discuss Major Depressive Disorder. I had said that it doesn’t affect me daily anymore—but that’s not necessarily true when I really think about it.
There have been a few people who have reached out recently who are in a depressive state, and it reminded me just how debilitating it can be. It still affects my life in ways, even if it’s not the most severe—it is the “OG” of my hot mess.
Before I understood or treated any of those diagnoses, there was a period of my life where I wasn’t functioning—I was surviving. And I didn’t understand why. I didn’t even realize how bad it was because I was so drunk. At a certain point, it’s hard to separate the two—alcohol is a depressant, after all.
As I’ve been writing these blogs, I realized I haven’t fully addressed this the way I have the others. But Major Depressive Disorder played a significant role in my earlier years. I have more regulation over it now.
I understand that I have to take my medication every day—otherwise, within a few days, I go downhill quickly. And that’s not something I can control. Depression medication builds up in your system over time before it starts working, and once it does, things can go downhill fast if you stop taking it.
Do I think I am completely free from depression? No. But compared to what it was… it is not even a comparison. Depression is one of the most misunderstood mental health conditions—often minimized, oversimplified, or mistaken for something it is not.
So I want to break down what Major Depressive Disorder is, what’s happening in the brain, what can cause it, how debilitating it can be, and what it looked like in my life.
What Major Depressive Disorder Actually Is
When people hear the word “depression,” they often think of sadness. While sadness can be part of it, that’s not what Major Depressive Disorder actually is.
Major Depressive Disorder is a medical condition that affects how the brain functions. It impacts mood, energy, decision-making, focus, and motivation. It can also affect sleep, appetite, and the ability to engage in everyday life.
It’s not something you “get over” in a few days, and it’s not something you can “snap out of.” It changes how a person experiences everything—their thoughts, emotions, energy, and even things that once felt normal or enjoyable. In many cases, it can feel like you are disconnected from your own life. You don’t recognize yourself anymore when it gets dark enough.
And one of the hardest parts is that, from the outside, it doesn’t always look like anything is wrong. That’s why it’s so misunderstood—and why people who seem the happiest can be struggling the most internally.
We’ve seen this in people the world viewed as full of life—like Robin Williams and Anthony Bourdain. They brought joy and energy to others, but what people saw didn’t match what was happening internally.
“There is power in knowing you are battling depression.”
–SAMHSA
What Is Happening in the Brain
Depression is not just emotional—it is neurological. When someone is experiencing Major Depressive Disorder, there are real, measurable changes happening in the brain.
Neurotransmitters like serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine—which regulate mood, motivation, and focus—are not functioning the way they typically would.
Serotonin helps regulate mood, sleep, and emotional balance (This is why depression can feel like a constant emotional weight—not just a bad day)
- Mood becomes lower and harder to regulate
- Persistent sadness, emptiness, or numbness
- Sleep disruption (too much or too little)
- Emotions feel heavier or harder to control
Dopamine is connected to motivation, reward, and pleasure (This is why people with depression aren’t “lazy”—the brain isn’t producing the same reward for effort)
- Motivation drops significantly
- Things no longer feel enjoyable
- Tasks feel harder to start or finish
- Disconnection or emotional numbness
Norepinephrine plays a role in alertness, focus, and stress response (This is why even simple tasks can feel exhausting)
- Difficulty focusing or concentrating
- Low mental and physical energy
- Brain fog or slowed thinking
- Stress feels overwhelming or numbed out
When these systems aren’t functioning properly, it affects more than feelings—it affects thinking, processing, and everyday functioning. Even small things can feel overwhelming. Focus becomes harder. Decision-making becomes harder. Even basic tasks can feel like too much.
From the outside, it can look like someone isn’t trying. People say things like, “they just need to suck it up.” But sometimes, that truly isn’t an option. It’s not a matter of willpower—it’s how the brain is operating.
What Causes Depression
One of the biggest misconceptions about depression is that there is normally a single cause. But in most cases, it is not that simple. Depression is usually the result of multiple factors—not just one. It is often a combination of biological, environmental, and experiential influences that build over time.
Some of the most common contributing factors include:
- Biological factors
Brain chemistry, neurotransmitter imbalances, and genetics can all play a role - Environmental factors
Ongoing stress, work pressure, financial strain, or unstable environments - Experiential factors
Trauma, grief, addiction, or significant life events
Sometimes there is a clear trigger. And sometimes there isn’t. And that does not make it any less real, either way. Someone does not have to go through a major traumatic event for depression to exist. And just because it does not make sense from the outside to someone else, does not mean it is not just as heavy for the person experiencing it.
How Debilitating It Can Be
When you start to understand what is happening in the brain—and how many different factors can contribute to depression— it starts to make more sense why it can be so debilitating. Depression is not just something a person feels. It is something that affects how they function. It can impact the ability to work, maintain relationships, communicate clearly, and take care of basic needs.
Things that seem simple from the outside — getting out of bed, responding to a message, making a decision — can feel overwhelming or completely out of reach. It can affect energy levels, focus, memory, and emotional regulation. It can make it difficult to feel motivated, connected, or even present in your own life.
And because so much of this is happening internally, it is often invisible. People see the behavior — but they do not see what it takes just to function at a basic level. And if these people have not experienced it, it is very difficult to understand. And over time, that disconnect can make it even harder for someone to explain what they are going through or to ask for help. When everything feels that heavy… even the smallest things can feel impossible. And for me… this is what that looked like.
What It Looked Like in My Life
For me, I was not diagnosed or seeing a doctor for my mental health until I was in my mid-20s. I’ve shared that there were several jobs where I was incredibly depressed—doing well at work, but crying on the way there, on lunch, and on the way home… until I got my whiskey. It was miserable. And because of my drinking, I didn’t take counseling seriously, and I didn’t take the medication my doctor prescribed.
Looking back, I had been dealing with it for years—I just didn’t believe there was an issue. With the way I was raised, it felt normal or wasn’t something that was talked about.
“Owning your story is the bravest thing you’ll ever do.”
– Brené Brown
Depression looked like isolation for me. I would stay in my room all day with a pack of shots, drinking from morning to night. I rarely left—only when I had to, including when I ran out of alcohol. I stopped answering my phone. I stopped talking to people. I completely shut myself off from the outside world, aside from work, my dog, and occasional interactions with roommates.
I cried constantly. I couldn’t talk about my situation without breaking down, which is likely why I stopped talking about it altogether. I was completely disconnected from who I really was.
The last time I remember depression feeling completely debilitating was during COVID, when everything shut down. I relapsed a couple times on alcohol and started using pills more often. I was working from home, trying to stay sober, but not working the program.
I became what’s often called a “dry drunk.” There was no numbing or escape—just the full weight of everything. It felt like a never-ending dark hole. Hopelessness is the only way I can describe it. Dustin tried everything he could to help me. He was genuinely worried about my safety. But it wasn’t something anyone else could fix.
“Breathe darling. This is just a chapter. It’s not your whole story.”
– S.C. Lourie
Looking back now, there have been several times in the last five years that would count as depression. My other mental health issues affect me more day-to-day now, and I have more depression regulation with medication and by not drinking.
But I still have days where I question everything—my decisions, my path, whether I’m being selfish. There are days I’ve cried all day while driving and doing deliveries for no reason I could identify. So, while it’s not constant, it does still affect me. Just not every day. And that’s something I have to stay aware of—because it can take over quickly if I’m not taking care of myself and paying attention when I start slipping back into that place. I have the tools and knowledge on what to do when I am not okay; I just have to remember to use the tools when I go into crisis mode.
“Self-care is how you take your power back.”
— Lalah Delia
Mixing Medication with Alcohol (in my experience)
After I got sober, I started taking a medication that worked very well for me. Unfortunately, my doctor didn’t let me know the side effects of drinking on the medication (or maybe she did and I just didn’t listen). I found out the hard way that there are serious reactions when mixed with alcohol. I did have a period where I relapsed. Since I did not know the effects of mixing with alcohol, I drank an unknown amount of whiskey and made some terrible choices that night. Many of these side effects I personally experienced and there can be many other side effects:
- Severe Seizure Risk: Alcohol lowers the seizure threshold and combining it with Wellbutrin can increase this risk by up to 54-fold at high doses.
- Increased Neurotoxicity: Symptoms like tremors, dizziness, confusion, and memory blackouts are more common.
- Cardiovascular and Physical Distress: Rapid/irregular heartbeat, nausea, vomiting, and severe headaches similar to migraines.
- Worsening Mental Health: Alcohol counteracts the antidepressant effects of Wellbutrin, causing increased anxiety, depression, and/or even suicidal thoughts. Essentially, drinking gives it the opposite effect, on top of all the other consequences.
- Severe Hangover/Withdrawal: Because the liver struggles to process both, the hangover is often worse, leading to increased sedation and fatigue. This causes and mirrors the effects of alcohol withdrawal. So, it basically provides what feels like detox in one night of drinking (and if this goes on long-term, it can cause deadly liver issues).
- Withdrawal-like Symptoms: These can include severe tremors, anxiety, confusion, hallucinations, and insomnia.
There isn’t much in this list that I did not experience during the few drinking relapses. I only drank for one day on the couple alcohol relapses I had, so it didn’t affect my liver and I did not have seizures. However, just about every other thing I experienced each time. I was so concerned, I almost went to the hospital, which is not something I take lightly (especially when I am drinking).
So, this is almost like a safeguard for my drinking now. If I don’t take my depression medication for a couple days, I become a different miserable human being, so that is not an option. So, I just know I can’t drink. I know how terrible the consequences are, so it doesn’t even truly sound enticing (not that it does anyway).
“Somewhere, there is a past you overflowing with so much pride looking at how far you’ve come.”
– Unknown
Myths & Statistics about Depression
Depression is one of the most common mental health conditions— but it is also one of the most misunderstood. Much of the stigma surrounding depression comes from beliefs that are simply not accurate.
Myth: Depression is just sadness
Fact: Depression affects how the brain functions—including energy, focus, and motivation—not just mood
Myth: People just need to try harder
Fact: Depression is not a motivation issue—it involves neurological changes
Myth: If someone looks fine, they are fine
Fact: Many people are struggling internally while appearing functional
Myth: Depression is rare
Fact: Over 21 million U.S. adults experience it annually; 280+ million globally
Myth: Most people get help
Fact: Over 50–60% do not receive adequate treatment
Myth: Depression isn’t that serious
Fact: It is a leading cause of disability and is closely linked to suicide (49,000+ deaths in the U.S. in 2022)
Here are some additional statistics that stuck out as I was going through the information:
- Suicide is one of the leading causes of death in the United States
- Nearly 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men will experience depression at some point
- Many individuals wait years before seeking help, or never seek help at all
- Depression significantly increases the risk of substance abuse, chronic illness, and long-term disability
- A large percentage of people experiencing depression are functioning outwardly while struggling internally
They are real people—many doing their best to function while struggling with something others cannot see. We walk past these people every day. We talk to these people every day. And it is such a tragedy that we have created a society where people feel the need to hide it.
That mindset is part of the problem.
“You are not weak. People like us, we’re brave. We’re the ones who get up and face our worst fears every day. We keep fighting.”
– Jen Wilde
Resources: If You or Someone You Know Is Struggling
If you believe you—or someone you know—may be struggling with depression, the most important thing is not to ignore it.
There are resources available, and support can make a difference.
Immediate Support (U.S.):
- Call or text 988 — Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (24/7, free, confidential)
- Chat online: https://988lifeline.org
If in immediate danger: Call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room
Additional Support Options:
- Primary care doctor
- Licensed therapist or counselor
- Psychiatry for evaluation and medication support
- Support group
If reaching out feels overwhelming, start small. One conversation can be the first step. Reach out to someone you trust. Maybe you are more comfortable reaching out to a stranger anonymously. Whatever the case, in the beginning at least, just reach out in any way possible. Because it is possible to get through the darkness – it is just one of the toughest mental challenges to deal with and treat, but it is much easier with like-minded support.
Closing
At the end of the day, this is not about weakness. It is not about someone needing to “try harder,” “push through it,” or “just be positive.”
It is about understanding how the brain works before we judge the behavior. Because when you don’t understand what is happening internally, it is easy to mislabel it. It is easy to call someone lazy, unmotivated, dramatic, or difficult. But the reality is—many people are doing everything they can just to function. And that effort often goes completely unseen.
Depression does not always look the way people expect it to. It can exist in someone who is working, smiling, showing up, and appearing “fine.” It can also exist in someone who is isolated, overwhelmed, and struggling just to get through the day.
Both are real. Both are valid. And both deserve understanding—not judgment.
If there is anything I hope people take away from this, it is this: You never truly know what someone else is dealing with internally. And sometimes, the smallest amount of patience, understanding, or support can make a bigger difference than you realize.
For someone who is struggling, even the smallest moment of feeling seen can matter more than you think. And if you are the one struggling—you are not alone. And it is not uncommon. There is something physically happening in your brain that deserves your attention, support, and care!
And while it may not feel like it in the moment, it’s easy to slip back into that depressive feeling, even if it’s just for a couple days. But it is always possible to come out of it. And it may be an ongoing challenge that you will learn how to navigate more as you go along. It just takes time, consistency, and the right support.
Please — if you are struggling, reach out to anyone you are comfortable with — just someone 💜 Talk next week!
“If you plan on being anything less than what you are capable of being, you will probably be unhappy all the days of your life.”
— Abraham Maslow
Sources & References from Blog Info
- National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) – Major Depression
- World Health Organization (WHO) – Depression Fact Sheet
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) – Mental Health & Suicide Data
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- Mayo Clinic – Depression (Major Depressive Disorder)
- Cleveland Clinic – Neurotransmitters & Mental Health
- Banyan Treatment Center – Substance Use & Mental Health
Leave a Reply! I would love to hear your thoughts on todays topic!