I Thought I Was “Past It” — Until I Wasn’t
We have been talking about triggers a lot over the last few weeks, but we haven’t really talked about what that actually means.
When people hear the word trigger, they often picture something dramatic.
A panic attack. A breakdown. A visible reaction that makes it obvious something is wrong. But that’s not always what a trigger looks like.
Sometimes, it’s quiet.
Sometimes, it’s just a shift in your mood that you can’t explain.
Sometimes, it’s a heaviness that shows up out of nowhere.
Sometimes, it’s a memory you didn’t ask for.
And sometimes, it happens when you thought you were past it.
Some things I don’t think people ever fully “get past”. Instead, we learn how to live with them.
What a Trigger Really Is
A trigger is not weakness. It’s not “overreacting.” It’s not someone being dramatic. A trigger is your brain doing exactly what it was designed to do—remember and protect.
When something overwhelming or traumatic happens, your brain doesn’t just store the memory as a story. It stores:
- The emotions
- The physical sensations
- The environment
- The details—sometimes even the smallest ones you haven’t thought of
So, when something—even something minor—reminds your brain of that experience, it reacts as if it’s happening again. Not logically. But neurologically. This is because trauma is stored differently than regular everyday memories. The emotional and survival parts of the brain react before the logical part has time to process what’s actually happening.
That’s why triggers can feel so confusing. Because you might know you’re safe, but your brain doesn’t.
Avoiding your triggers isn’t healing. Healing happens when your triggered and you’re able to move through the pain, the pattern, and the story – and walk you way to a different ending.
– Vienna Pharaon
The Part People Don’t Talk About
There’s this idea that healing follows a timeline and I have talked a lot about this. That after a certain amount of time, you should be “better.” You will be more stable. You won’t be as affected.
It’s been a little over four years since Dustin died. I had started feeling like I had come to terms with it as well as I was going to. I hadn’t had an emotional day due to a trigger in a while. I’m not saying there hasn’t been emotions; but I have been able to turn my day around… it doesn’t stick all day. I wasn’t reliving things the way I used to. My memory was getting better.
I even started to believe that maybe I didn’t need things like EMDR therapy anymore. I thought about canceling it, because I am also in talk therapy, and it is a lot. But after one random day, just this past week, it became very obvious that I still need it. That’s exactly why therapies like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) exist—because talking through something doesn’t always process how it’s stored in the brain.
As a side note, you will hear me talk about EDMR often, probably. However, I have not gotten far enough into it, or researched enough to provide facts about the process. I am just starting the process (which is the hardest part 🙃). However, for reference, EDMR therapy is “a structured psychotherapy that primarily focuses on treating individuals who have experienced distressing, traumatic events.” The idea being that when memories are stuck, they leave severe psychological difficulties. EMDR therapy focuses directly on the memory and is intended to facilitate the reprocessing of memories, thus reducing and eliminating the problematic symptoms (this description came straight from apa.org).
There’s nothing negative about being triggered. It’s a calling to heal our wounds. It’s a calling to self-reflect + to get curious about the reaction we are having.
– Dr. Nicole Lepera
Until This Week
This week, I remembered something. It wasn’t something new or recent. It was something that had happened years ago—something I hadn’t thought about in a long time. My brain basically went through a rabbit hole and one simple thought led to another thought, that led to another thought, that led to this memory.
And it hit me in a way I wasn’t expecting. It didn’t look like a panic attack. It didn’t look like losing control (although it felt like it). However, it looked like an entire day of sadness that I couldn’t shake. Like something heavy sitting on my chest. It can feel like something is terribly wrong—even when it’s not.
That’s the part people don’t understand about triggers: triggers are not easily identified since it can be such random things that lead back to these thoughts. They don’t care how much time has passed. And they don’t check whether you feel “ready.” There is no playbook for this—because every person and every experience is different.
The people who trigger us, or cause us to feel negative emotions are messengers. They are messengers for the unhealed parts of our being.
– Teal Swan
Why This Matters
This is why understanding triggers matters (especially in everyday life and in the workplace)—because when someone’s behavior changes or they seem distracted, withdrawn, irritable, or off—if you don’t have the knowledge or experience, it’s easy to assume they are not trying, they don’t care, or they just difficult. And understanding the reasoning behind it can change the perspective of all parties involved.
But what you may actually be seeing is a nervous system response. Not a character flaw or lack of effort. It may be a brain responding to something it hasn’t fully processed yet—even years later. This is where workplaces often get it wrong. We expect consistent performance without understanding that people are carrying experiences we can’t see—and those experiences don’t operate on a schedule. And unfortunately, every day, trauma is becoming more common.
Labeling is a lifetime trigger.
– Charmaine J Forde
What We Often Get Wrong About Healing
Healing isn’t predictable. Healing isn’t straight forward or “done” after a certain amount of time.
This is why I know EMDR therapy is still necessary for me. This week reminded me of something I think a lot of people need to hear:
Just because you’re not falling apart doesn’t mean everything is fully processed.
Just because something shows up again doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that you’re weak, or you are not healing fast enough.
It means your brain found something it’s ready to process now. And that process doesn’t follow a timeline. Through EMDR, I’m sure there will be many memories that come up, many from before Dustin’s death, from my twenties, and earlier. Most of my therapy has been about Dustin’s death and events since. I have barely touched the trauma I experienced throughout my earlier years.
Triggers Are Not Just Grief Related
This blog has specifically been talking about triggers related to grief. However, triggers are often associated with addiction. Triggers can also be deeply connected to addiction. For someone in recovery, a trigger doesn’t always look like a craving out of nowhere.
It can be:
- A place
- A person
- A certain time of day
- Stress
- Emotional overwhelm
- Even something as simple as a smell, a song, or a memory
And just like with trauma, the response isn’t always logical. You might be doing well. You might feel strong in your recovery. And then something small happens—and suddenly your mind goes somewhere you didn’t expect. Again, not because you are going backwards in your recovery. It doesn’t mean you’re failing or doing something wrong. It is your brain remembering what once helped you cope—and that’s completely natural, even if it’s frustrating.
That’s what makes triggers in addiction so difficult. They mean your brain is recognizing a pattern it once relied on for survival—even if that pattern was unhealthy. And just like with grief, these triggers don’t follow a timeline. You can be years into recovery and still have moments where something surfaces.
Understanding that this is normal is what helps people move forward instead of feeling like they’re starting over or not “doing good enough” (which often leads to relapse).
Final Thought
Triggers don’t mean you’re broken or you’re doing something wrong. They mean something mattered. They mean something had a significant impact on you. They mean something is still asking to be understood. And sometimes… they show up later to remind you of that.
If this has ever happened to you—it’s more normal than people talk about. And you’re not alone.
Thanks for reading this week. Talk soon.
What is happening for many people who cannot be happy is that the very feeling of happiness in and of itself is a trigger for a post traumatic stress response.
– Teal Swan
References
American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Trauma and stress-related disorders.
https://www.apa.org
National Institute of Mental Health. (n.d.). Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
https://www.nimh.nih.gov
Bessel van der Kolk. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score.
Francine Shapiro. (2018). EMDR Therapy: Basic Principles, Protocols, and Procedures.
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