It’s Been 5 (Long) Years!

I Didn’t Think I Would Survive — But I Did

I didn’t hit rock bottom the way people think. There wasn’t just one moment.
It was a series of them—stacked so close together that I stopped believing I was going to make it out at all. At one point, I truly believed I was going to die.

Through this blog, I am going to try to tell my story the best I can in a 10 minute read. I guess you will just have to wait for the book to get the juicy details 😜 But I do feel it is important to explain my background that let to this insanity.

Where It Started

My very first memory is around four years old, in the middle of a domestic violence situation. That wasn’t just a moment—it was part of the environment I grew up in.

From then on, life wasn’t about stability for me. It was about learning how to read a room, stay out of the way, and avoid making things worse (once I got to a certain age).

At the same time, my childhood wasn’t only chaos—that would be far from the truth. There were really good moments. I had grandparents, uncles, and aunts who took me on vacations. My mom took me out of town for mini trips, which I loved. I had a best friend I grew up with and spent a lot of time with (although we both lived in similar chaos).

There were also people who showed up for me and gave me a sense of safety when they could. But there was never consistent stability—because situations like that are unpredictable, and you don’t always get a warning.

I didn’t realize how abnormal my childhood was until adulthood, because it had all been so normalized to me growing up. I can’t tell you how many times I have told a story and someone says…. you know that’s not normal right? And in the beginning, I thought it was. Maybe other peoples childhood were not AS chaotic but I thought it was pretty common. And honestly, living in Hutchinson, KS, a lot of people were in a similar position, at least the friends who were in the lower class (in terms of $$), like myself. I’m still remembering things now that I haven’t thought about in years and realizing that it was absolutely not okay — it was abuse in a lot of situations (like when a bunch of minors, under 16, are partying with people in their 30s…. just one of the many examples).

“Anyone can give up; it is the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone would expect you to fall apart, now that is true strength.”
– Chris Bradford

Where It Really Began

I was about 12 when my mother moved me to Missouri after marrying her first husband, who was already very abusive.

My mom tried to keep me away from the worst of the violence, and because of that, she gave me a lot of independence. I was working. I was driving. But I didn’t have friends.

The only people I really knew were connected to my stepfather. And that’s where everything started. They hated him too.

We drank. We did drugs. That became normal. I may have had small exposure before that, but this is where it became real. This is where it became consistent. And it escalated fast.

Eventually, I came home one night, and my mother jumped up screaming for help and I saw him with my mom in a headlock. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed the biggest knife I could find. I remember running and jumping on the coffee table just to be eye level with him, begging her to leave, to get in the car so we could go.

But she wouldn’t. I had been raised not to call the police. So, I had to back myself out of the house and leave her there. And I felt incredibly guilty because I can only imagine the hell she had to deal with after I left. And I was terrified I was going to come home to my worst nightmare.

I believe that moment is what led to me eventually leaving and moving back to Kansas.

“Every experience in your life is being orchestrated to teach you something you need to know to move forward.”
– Brian Tracy

The Part That Doesn’t Make Sense to People

Throughout high school, I hung out with people from highschool to people in their 30’s and 40’s. We partied every day – sometimes using during school. I was out of control. And my mother was going back to visit her husband quite often, so that just gave me more freedom to do what I wanted, and there were so many things that happened from the age of 12-16. And do you think much of it was homework or studying? Absolutely not.

But somehow, I still graduated. I even went to college. I moved to Joplin and did well—at least for a while.

But after the 2011 tornado, looking back, I think that is about the time that things shifted. My drinking picked up heavily. I became a regular at a bar. It wasn’t occasional anymore—it was every night. And I had even started working at the bar. This is also where I went from a beer drinker to a whiskey drinker. It is amazing I am still alive. There are very dangerous roads I had to take to get home and I would drive it blacked out every night – it is amazing I never killed anyone, myself, or caught a DUI. Something wanted me here – something knew I was meant to do more – to do better.

“First, you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”
– F. Scott Fitzgerald

Eventually, I moved back to Kansas for a corporate job. From the outside, everything looked fine. I was successful. I was functioning. I never drank before work.

But behind the scenes, everything revolved around alcohol. My 20’s was mainly filled with toxic relationships poisoned with addiction. At 28, my body started shutting down. My liver was failing.

You would think that would have been enough. It wasn’t. And because I was living with a raging alcoholic—I went right back to it after a couple of weeks.

That’s the part people don’t understand. When you’re in it, logic doesn’t matter. You just want to numb yourself. And when the person you love is sitting there drinking, it’s incredibly hard to ignore, to turn away. And when they are shitty people, they hand you the bottle, knowing your dying.

The First Glimpse of Recovery

My mom talked me into going to treatment. I knew I was going to die if I didn’t.

That’s where I was introduced to recovery, although the treatment they provided didn’t work for me—this is where I met Dustin.

That’s also where everything would eventually fall apart again.

“Nobody stays recovered unless the life they have created is more rewarding and satisfying than the one they left behind.”
– Anne Fletcher

Rock Bottom

After treatment, Dustin and I relapsed together. The first time I picked him up from his sober living, he had a bottle of vodka. And I did not drink that day – but it didn’t take long. He had never been addicted or detoxed off alcohol before that. He had no idea what we were about to be up against. And everything unraveled so incredibly fast.

I got kicked out right before Christmas, so we started hotel hopping, off my credit cards.
On Christmas Eve, my car got broken into, and a lot of my personal belongings were stolen.
On Christmas Day, I totaled my car driving home from the bar (because the liquor stores were closed).
On January 2nd, I got fired, and was actually unconscious in detox again.

However, before that, during the week of Christmas, we were both taken to the hospital by ambulance multiple times. But they didn’t help me because I was not having seizures or was seizure prone and Dustin had a long history with them.

But even that wasn’t enough. My mother and uncle found me at the hotel and took me to the same treatment center. I detoxed… and then I left. I went back to Dustin.

We drove straight to Joplin from there, and I genuinely believed I wasn’t going to survive. I took my siblings out to eat before we started drinking again—it felt like I was saying goodbye.

Then I checked into a hotel that was supposed to be two days… and turned into over a week. I spent approx. 4k on my credit cards just in that week.

I didn’t care. I thought I was going to die anyway. Why should I care right? Might as well live it up as I am dying. And then Dustin had a seizure.

That moment changed everything.

“Remember that just because you hit bottom doesn’t mean you have to stay there.”
– Robert Downey Jr.

The Beginning of Real Recovery

I will never forget the day I was standing in the hospital, and they refused to let me in the room to see Dustin – so we were trying to talk to each other but I could barely hear him. It was such a hopeless feeling, and I had no idea what to do.

I remember turning around, and just the shock of seeing my uncle and aunt standing there, that was another one of those spiritual moments for me. After that, my uncle took me to treatment again. However, he took me to Valley Hope. This time, something clicked. And they helped Dustin get into a program in Tulsa.

For the first time, I connected with people. We had such a strong and good group. We laughed so much. I felt like life might actually be okay without being totally numb.

After treatment, I moved into an Oxford House. I stayed about six months. And it helped until it didn’t, so one day due to the girl’s drama, I had enough and moved. I had given warning several times that if the drama didn’t stop I would leave – but that was my snapping point.

However, after moving out, I was accused of something very serious in a public setting, and instead of working through it, I used it as an excuse to walk away from recovery, because those same people went to the same halls I did. They refused to let me prove my innocence. So, I walked away and became a “dry drunk.”

I wasn’t drinking (most days)—but I was just as miserable as I had been in the past – I just wasn’t physically dying. Mentally, I was in hell.

“One of the hardest things was learning that I was worth recovery.”
– Demi Lovato

Choosing to Come Back

A traumatic even that lasted 5 days pushed me back into the halls. And on April 8, 2021—I went back to recovery. This time, I was done. I was done with it all – the toxicity and the substance abuse.

I had started setting boundaries at Valley Hope, but this is when I really started learning how to set boundaries. Real ones. But there was so much other toxicity. I had to cut people out of my life—including family.

Not because I didn’t love them—but because I couldn’t survive in that environment anymore. Or a better way of saying it, is I could survive, but I refuse to live that way anymore. I want peace and happiness – and it can never happen around certain people.

Loss, Trauma, and Staying Sober Anyway

Dustin got his six months—his real six months—the week after his 32^nd birthday. I had just gotten my 9 months.

And then on January 22, 2022, I found him deceased in our bathroom. He was poisoned…. murdered….. by a fake oxy pill that was actually only fentanyl. There are no words for that kind of pain.

“In the end, some of your greatest pains become your greatest strengths.”
– Drew Barrymore

And I won’t pretend I didn’t want to numb it. I did. But this time, I didn’t. Instead, I went deeper into recovery. I went from a few meetings a week to going every single day.

If I didn’t show up, people checked on me. That mattered more than I can explain.

At the same time, life didn’t slow down. I have experienced more trauma. I have lost multiple jobs…. which had never happened before his death for my performance.

It felt like chaos never stopped. And on top of all of it, I’ve been trying to get justice for Dustin when I have time.

That process has been heavy and exhausting—but I’m committed to it. There is no statute of limitations. But this event was the worst thing that has every happened to me – it would have felt different if I wouldn’t have been the one to find him, and obviously that would have been incredibly hard but it’s a different kind of trauma than just losing someone when you find them yourself. It’s a morning that I will never forget – every minute of it. But then after – it’s pretty dark.

“Your best days are ahead of you. The movie starts when the guy gets sober and puts his life back together; it doesn’t end there.”
– Bucky Sinister

My Saving Grace During The Fog

There’s a stretch of time after his death where I barely remember anything. That’s hard to admit because this lasted for years. It’s hard to admit that I don’t remember certain full events, conversations, or movies. And until pretty recently, it was still a pretty big issue in my mind, so it lasted a long time. I still am not sure if it’s affecting me – but symptoms of mental health overlap.

However, I met Justin the following summer after Dustin passed. I wasn’t looking for anyone—I didn’t expect to find someone so amazing…. but he showed up and stayed. For the first time in my life, I experienced a relationship without chaos.

No yelling.
No name-calling.
No fear.
No violence.

And healthy communication. For the first time, the cycle I grew up in stopped with me.

And although Justin doesn’t have the same mental health disabilities, he does his best to understand them, support me on my bad days, understand what I have to do for Dustin, and that I will always celebrate him….. just so much that I thought no one would ever want to deal with, was not even a question for him.

He truly loves me for me. And his actions show it. I believe this is the first time I actually seriously saw it without toxicity, I saw someone that loves me very purely. We are partners. I don’t know where I would be without him and his deep empathy and understanding. He never makes me feel dumb for not remembering something, because I started becoming very self-conscious about it, while others are still very judgmental at times.

I don’t think I would be in as good of a place mentally or physically if he hadn’t came into my life when he did. He helped pull me out of the darkness – and reminded me that it doesn’t have to be the end.

“A desk is a dangerous place from which to view the world.”
– John Le Carre

Rebuilding a Life That Felt Broken

After everything, I started losing jobs. And I didn’t understand why. I couldn’t think the way I used to. I couldn’t process things the same. I felt broken.

I had always been successful. I had never been fired. And suddenly, I couldn’t keep up (working 70-90 hours a week).

However, in every scenario, things shifted after I disclosed my mental health. I remember coming home one day completely broken after my last job loss.

“Most people will choose unhappiness over uncertainty”
– Tim Ferriss

And Justin looked at me and said:

“Figure out what you actually want to do. I don’t care what it takes.”

Within a week, I had the idea for Serene Efficiency. And Justin is supporting me in building a business since my last job loss. For the first time someone is helping me instead of me taking care of someone else. And I can actually count on him. That is a first!

Within that month, I had an LLC & an EIN.

“Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.”
– C.S. Lewis

Where I Am Now

I am working delivery to help get by until the business starts making income. And shockingly, at an 80% pay cut, I enjoy it so much more than any corporate job I ever had.

I go to talk therapy.
I have started EDMR.
I stay connected to my recovery as much as possible.
And I have been able to succeed without the physical rooms, which I didn’t know if it would be possible.

And I’ve learned something really important:

I’m not broken. I just process differently now. And instead of hiding that—I’m building something because of it. Because the truth is—this isn’t rare anymore. Trauma, burnout, mental health struggles—they’re everywhere. And instead of forcing people to hide it, we need to start understanding it.

“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

For Now

Today, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. That doesn’t mean everything is perfect.

I still have anxiety almost every day.
I have really bad days sometimes that I can’t explain.
But I understand it now. And that changed everything.

So, I’m going to continue to sit in my gratitude. I’m going to spend time with the people I love. I’m going to enjoy the life I didn’t think I would have.

And for today—I’m just grateful to be here. 5 years is just the beginning—but I am still damn proud of it. Everyone recovers different. But in my opinion, as long as you don’t take substances that will take you back to that sanity, continue to better yourself, and never give up….. that’s always something to be proud of!

Thank you everyone that has supported me through this insane journey! I love you all very much 💜and I never would have made it without my chosen family.

Thanks for reading! Hope to see you next week!