Introduction: Living Ahead of Reality
Sometimes my mind starts preparing me for the anxiety, grief, or trauma of an event before life has even decided whether it’s actually coming or not. I’ve always known how exhausting that is. This experience was just another reminder of it.
Side note before I start: although this blog was finalized this week, most of it was actually written toward the beginning of last week shortly after the event I’ll be discussing happened. Since I ended up taking a short break over the weekend, I’m just now sharing it, so please keep in mind while reading.
The last couple weeks have been mentally rough (understatement) for reasons I’m not fully ready to talk about yet. I’ve been trying to hold things together the best I can while continuing to work, continue writing, continue building my business, and continue functioning normally (whatever that means) — even when mentally, it feels like my brain is operating in survival mode constantly.
Earlier last week, an event happened that forced me to really think about how often my brain jumps ahead into worst-case scenarios before reality even arrives.
This isn’t a new topic. I know I have a habit of doing this anytime something negative with an uncertain outcome happens. I have tried very hard not to let it bother me, but when it feels like your livelihood or quality of life is dangling, it’s difficult not to stress.
Excited for a New Opportunity (The Route From Hell)
I finally got off the Amazon Flex waitlist recently, and honestly, I was excited. I thought maybe it would help financially, maybe give me more consistency, scheduled blocks, maybe help me get ahead a little instead of constantly feeling like I’m catching up.
I have since completed 2 “blocks/routes.” Apparently, I was just very unlucky on both. However, I doubt I will accept another.
Almost the entire route on the first trip was in the mountains south of Fayetteville, 100% gravel route. It took 4 ½ hours on a 3 ½ hour block (they at least pay for the extra time; usually not the case on other platforms).
The second trip though — that was a day of hell.
Sunday, I almost didn’t go out, but saw another shorter block pop up and figured, why not?
It took me the opposite direction, near rural Garfield, AR….. closer to my house, so I was trying to be optimistic, even though there were 29 stops (40 packages). They were all really close together on the map.
But then I drove all the way there — and it was all gravel roads again.
Honestly, the entire route was like that. A lot of the driveways were around ¼ mile long, and many of the roads and driveways themselves felt extremely unsafe — especially for a car as little as mine. Deep gravel, uneven terrain, little streams running through sections, washouts, random divots… honestly, many of these roads felt like they should only be given to delivery drivers with trucks, SUVs, or four-wheel drive vehicles.
Then, at stop #13 of #29, when I was exiting one of the driveways, there was a divot with a tiny stream running through it. I don’t know if I could have gone any slower, and my car bottomed out hard enough that immediately afterward, it started making a terrible loud noise.
And when I say terrible, I mean the kind of sound that instantly makes your stomach drop. The kind where you already know something is wrong.
I remember sitting there thinking:
There is absolutely no way this is going to be cheap.
But I was also in the middle of nowhere. And I was only on stop number 13 out of 29. I knew I probably shouldn’t keep driving it, but I also knew that if I stopped, I’d still have to drive the packages all the way back to the facility anyway — 30 minutes on the other side of my house, so an hour trip to return them. The stops were only a couple minutes apart, so I made the decision to finish the route.
Just to add salt to the wound, shortly after this, I was chased by a chicken, a couple dogs, and even bit by a dog on stop 14 or 15 right after the car incident. It didn’t break skin, but it tore my jeans a bit.
I’m always too trusting and nice to dogs. And more stops than not, I got the “warning” that there had been loose dogs at the house in the past— and at many houses, there were. But loved msot of then!
At this specific stop, I was nice to all 5 of the dogs jumping or barking at me. There was one that was staring and growling the whole time but I didn’t think much of it; he was old. I got to the porch, which was a walk, and dropped the package off.
I started walking back to my car and suddenly heard something and a growl. I turned around and the little mean fucker was rushing me. I pulled my leg away just as he bit, so thankfully it was mostly just jeans.
I just snapped. At this point, I probably had steam coming from me. I didn’t care if the customer got me on camera. So, I turned around after he got off my jeans, which was very quick, and screamed at the top of my lungs:
“HEY, STOP– GET THE FUCK AWAY!! GO!!!”
It probably looked funnier if anything. And he stood there and I yelled again — I didn’t want to hit the dogs with my car when driving away and they were surrounding my car — and I was terrified that day with all the lose dogs I would accidentally hit one. I just stared the mean on in the eyes while backing toward my car, repeating, “fucking stay”. 😅The dog stopped in his tracks when I screamed like a man and all of the dogs stopped and just watched me, and I walked to my car while I pointed at the mean one the entire time.
He was a small to medium sized dog, so I wasn’t scared necessarily. I was just PISSED. But man, it was a hell of a day. There were issues on probably 10 of the 29 stops in some way — whether it be I couldn’t get to the door because of so much trash, cows blocking mile-long driveways, etc.
When the Spiral Starts
Physically, I finished the deliveries. Mentally, I was spiraling the entire time.
The entire drive home — and honestly most of the night afterward — I was convinced I had just destroyed my car. I didn’t sleep well. I woke up earlier than my alarm (which never happens).
I kept thinking about repair costs. Missing work. Losing income. How I was going to afford it. What I was going to have to sacrifice financially to fix it (stocks, savings? Yes, I was mentally digging that deep — even thinking about touching the little retirement I’ve built).
And honestly, I’ve had a lot of guilt lately.
I had become used to having a safety net — and if I’m being honest, most of that safety net had been credit — and now things are very tight. Part of me kept wondering:
If I hadn’t left corporate, would we be okay financially?
Every possibility my brain landed on was catastrophic:
- needing a new car
- needing a new side gig
- not being able to afford bills
- wondering if everything was about to snowball
“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”
— Corrie ten Boom
Justin kept saying:
“Don’t worry. We don’t know yet.”
And I tried to believe him, but my brain had already decided, like usual. It was already grieving an outcome that hadn’t even happened. And I think that’s something a lot of people understand — especially people who have lived through trauma, instability, addiction, financial stress, grief, or long periods of survival mode.
When I shared my guilt, Justin basically told me:
“You wouldn’t be okay if you hadn’t left corporate.”
I think Justin gets frustrated when I get myself so stressed and worked up because this is exactly why he wanted me to leave corporate in the first place. He wants me to stop worrying all the time. To stop living overwhelmed and mentally exhausted. But it just isn’t always that easy — especially with a brain that never stops.
He reminded me that he was the one who told me to leave. To figure out what actually made me happy. And he meant it. Because unhappy was honestly an understatement.
The one thing I thought I had done right — my career — I fucking hated.
My role had started feeling more like an ass-kissing game than actual leadership. And after I lost Dustin, apparently my ass-kissing abilities disappeared. I would sit there while I was getting talked down to, daydreaming about what I really wanted to say back — but not being able to.
Daydreaming about quitting. About doing something different. About not feeling trapped anymore. But I didn’t see any other possible way out. This was the life I had built. The career I had built. The thing that kept me comfortable and financially stable.
And I had no idea how to pivot from that — especially while still paying those student loans. I had become incredibly self-conscious about my own abilities. I hated myself. I hated my life outside of home — which was most of my life when I worked in corporate because of the hours.
Then I spoke with my sponsor when I was spiraling and said something the following morning that hit even harder:
“We don’t know if you would even still be here.”
That comment really stayed with me. And to clarify, she didn’t mean physically from the corporate job itself. She meant mentally. Maybe I would have relapsed. Maybe I would have ended my life. Because mentally, it had gotten that bad.
And honestly… maybe she was right.
Why Some People Can’t “Just Stop Worrying”
People love to say:
“Just don’t worry about it.”
But it’s not always that simple. And i know that people just want to make you feel better. But in a situation like that — that statement won’t do it.
For some people, worrying feels like preparation.
Our brains are actually designed to predict danger. The human brain constantly scans for threats because survival has always depended on recognizing problems before they happen. The amygdala — the part of the brain heavily involved in fear and emotional processing — helps trigger those responses.
When someone experiences chronic stress or trauma over long periods of time, that system can become overactive. Your brain starts trying to protect you by preparing for worst-case scenarios automatically.
Psychologists often refer to this as catastrophizing — when the mind immediately jumps to the worst possible outcome, even before there’s enough information to know what’s actually happening.
And the difficult part is that the body often reacts as though the threat is already real.
Your heart races.
Your muscles tense.
Your stomach drops.
Your chest gets tight.
Your thoughts spiral.
Your nervous system shifts into panic mode, even when the outcome hasn’t happened yet. That’s the part I think people misunderstand about anxiety sometimes. You’re not always reacting to reality itself — sometimes you’re reacting to what your brain believes might become reality.
I think that’s when anxiety starts feeling less tied to situations and more like something that lives in the background all the time (more chronic). And for people who have experienced enough painful situations in life, uncertainty itself can start feeling dangerous.
“You’re Reliving the Trauma Twice”
One time when I was spiraling, Dustin said something to me that someone had once told him, and it always stuck with me:
“When you worry about something that hasn’t happened yet, you’re reliving the trauma twice IF it does happen.”
But there was another thing he used to say that stuck with me too:
“Will this matter in a year?”
And honestly, it is shocking how often the answer is no.
He would usually follow it up with something like:
“Then this isn’t worth your time or energy. It’ll be fine. You’ll get over it.”
And as frustrating as that answer sometimes felt in the moment… he was usually right.
“We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.”
— Seneca
So much of life really is perception, self-awareness, and understanding what deserves our energy and what doesn’t.
He taught me a lot in the short time I knew him — probably more xhe ever realized.
And a perfect example of this happened with my vehicle.
I was in tears on and off from the time it happened until the time I found out the issue. They originally said they didn’t even know if they would have time to look at it that day.
The Reality vs. The Fear
And suddenly, the situation my brain had spent hours mourning… wasn’t reality at all. Before noon, I got the call.
It turned out that when the car bottomed out, a bar had bent and was rubbing underneath something (I am mechanically declined, as I’ve mentioned before, woulld have to ask Justin for sure lol).
But the total cost — diagnostics, repair, labor, all of it — was only around $150. That was it. A bent part. No destroyed transmission. No destroyed motor. No thousand-dollar repair. No missed days of work. No complete financial disaster.
Which, ironically (and not to my surprise), was exactly what Justin had originally guessed. And that same morning after talking on the phone with a friend, before i had found out the issue, she randomly sent me $100 mentioning it.
The repair that I thought was going to ruin me was suddenly mostly covered. I used to be the one that would say no. However, this friend taught me that its okay to accept help. And in some cases, I truly deserve help. The people I allow in my life today are incredibly kind, and I couldn’t ask for a better family (chosen family).
The second I got off the phone with the mechanic, my chest immediately felt lighter. It was honestly insane how quickly the anxiety shifted.
And it’s true:
You really do go through the trauma when you spend hours grieving outcomes that might never happen.
That doesn’t mean the fear felt fake in the moment. It felt very real. I thought Justin was just trying to make me feel better.
But it was just another reminder of how often my mind starts living inside outcomes before life has even decided whether those outcomes are actually coming. Something I think about a lot.
And as my sponsor would say:
“Remember, stay in today, in the current moment.”
I know easier said than done, and I do think it takes a lot of practice, but everyone’s advice was accurate.
“Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.”
— Marcus Aurelius
Closing Thoughts: Not Every Unknown Is Tragedy
Obviously, I still don’t fully know how not to worry. I don’t think healing means becoming someone who never panics, never spirals, or never fears the worst.
I think sometimes healing is simply becoming more aware of when your brain is trying to drag you somewhere you know it shouldn’t go. Being aware of what your brain is doing makes it easier to deal with.
Not easy. But easier.
Sometimes things do go wrong. But sometimes they don’t.
Sometimes a blessing — no matter how small — shows up exactly when you need it most.
Sometimes things work out differently than the disaster your brain prepared you for; sometimes even better than originally hoped.
And that’s something I’m still working on: not every unknown is automatically tragedy or an automatic worst-case scenario. Sometimes it’s just uncertainty. And uncertainty is okay. I just need to learn how to sit in it and be patient until uncertainty becomes certainty.
Because if we knew what was going to happen tomorrow, what would be the point of seeing tomorrow?
Thanks for reading this week! I hope to see you back next week for Part 3 of our happy chemical series, where we will deep dive into Serotonin. 🙂
“I realized I was worrying about things I could not possibly control, whether it be today, the future, life…. and then I just kind of realized one day, that is completely the beauty of life itself, is completely not knowing what is going to happen tomorrow. Because if we knew what was happening tomorrow, what would be the point of tomorrow?”
– Kidd Quill – Dose of Reality
References
Neuroscience
American Psychological Association. (2022). Stress effects on the body.
APA – Stress Effects on the Body
American Psychological Association. (2023). Anxiety.
American Psychological Association – Anxiety Overview
Catastrophizing
Beck Institute for Cognitive Behavior Therapy. (2023). Cognitive distortions and catastrophizing.
Beck Institute – Cognitive Distortions
Amygdala
Cleveland Clinic. (2024). Amygdala: What it is & what it does.
Cleveland Clinic – Amygdala Overview
Harvard Health Publishing. (2020). Understanding the stress response.
Harvard Health – Understanding the Stress Response
Mayo Clinic Staff. (2024). Anxiety disorders: Symptoms and causes.
Mayo Clinic – Anxiety Disorders Overview
National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Anxiety disorders.
National Institute of Mental Health – Anxiety Disorders
Hypervigilance
Psychology Today. (2023). What is catastrophizing?
Psychology Today – Catastrophizing Explained
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2023). Understanding trauma and stress responses.
SAMHSA – Trauma and Violence
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