Content Warning: This article discusses domestic violence, childhood trauma, sexual assault, threats, substance use, and frightening experiences with law enforcement. Some descriptions may be upsetting. Please read at your own pace. 💜
“It is essential to change the question from ‘Why doesn’t she leave?’ to ‘Why does he choose to be violent?’”
— No Visible Bruises
Why Didn’t You Just Leave?
“Why didn’t you just leave? There’s no way I would ever stay.”
“Why didn’t you call the police? If you were scared, you would’ve called.”
“Why didn’t you tell someone sooner? Why is it suddenly coming out now?”
We’ve all heard these comments. Maybe we’ve said them ourselves. But you’re asking someone who may have feared for their life why they didn’t respond the way you think you would have responded.
I told myself I would never end up in the situations I witnessed as a child. But I absolutely did. Fear doesn’t always look like running away. Sometimes it’s staying quiet or trying to prevent things from getting worse. Maybe you love the person, think they’ll change, or haven’t recognized the manipulation yet.
There’s so much more to leaving than walking out the door. You need some kind of plan unless you’re ready to sleep on the streets. Hopefully, you have people to turn to, but a lot of people don’t. And when children are involved, there’s even more to consider. I’m not going to list every situation but it doesn’t take much imagination.
Last week, we looked at domestic violence by the numbers. But numbers can’t tell every story, especially those never reported. This week, I want to talk about why people stay silent and why victim blaming is so common instead of being protected.
“’Why didn’t you leave?’ assumes the survivor had a safe place to go, money to get there, and a guarantee that the abuser wouldn’t hunt them down. For most survivors, leaving is the moment the danger escalates, not the moment it ends.”
— National Domestic Violence Hotline
“When people ask ‘Why didn’t you leave?’, they don’t understand that leaving is not an event, it’s a process. It requires resources, safety, and a belief that you will survive the exit—which is often the most lethal moment.”
— Jess Hill
Not Reporting Doesn’t Mean It Didn’t Happen
According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, 64% of domestic violence victimizations were reported to police in 2024. That means approximately 36% weren’t. And that survey doesn’t capture all the experiences of emotional abuse, manipulation, or coercive control.
Can you imagine what the numbers would look like if we could measure all of that, too?
So why don’t people report? Well here are many reasons I hope you think about before judging a victim again.
- Retaliation. A protective order is important, but it’s still a piece of paper. It can’t physically stop someone determined to hurt you. And the people that are known to be severe abusers normally don’t care about the piece of paper. Of course, people will be scared of what the person would do if they went to the cops, especially if the cops won’t believe them or treat them as a suspect instead of the victim, and if they do follow through, then they often just get minimal sentences.
- Financial dependence. Someone may control your money, leaving you with nowhere to go, literally. If you find yourself in this situation, feel free to email me, but there are resources for abused women in NWA and i am sure in KS & MO too, I would just have to do some reserach. They often help mothers get out of a dangerous situation, a place to stay with their children until they get on their feet, and provides classes and different activities that teach these women how to be good mothers and keep them safe.
- Children. You may fear losing custody and breaking up your family (we know our own families don’t judge 🙄 and they may be concerned that they are putting their children in greater danger. Children are used against the other partner in more cases than not that I have personally seen and heard about. And if they have been witness, you don’t want them to see what is going to happen if the cops were called by the victim. It isn’t something people inspire to do….. be the reason your chilren see their parent go to jail.
- Gaslighting and manipulation. Sometimes, people don’t even realize they are being abused because they have been so manipulated that the abuser actually starts questioning their own reality. The abuser twists situations, denies things you know happened, shifts the blame onto you, and somehow makes you feel like you’re the problem. Over time, you may start doubting your own memory, judgment, and feelings. And when someone repeatedly convinces you that you’re overreacting or imagining t*hings, it becomes much harder to recognize the abuse, let alone find the confidence to leave.
- Shame. Maybe you’ve defended the relationship for years, lost friends over it, and dread hearing, “I told you so.” Men may face the additional stigma that they should be able to defend themselves. But many men have deep morals to never lay a hand on a woman, so they take it. And they have the same reasons for not leaving as women.
- Not being believed. Maybe you’ve already tried to get help and felt dismissed or ignored. Maybe reporting made the abuse worse. Maybe if they don’t believe you, you get charged with a crime of false reporting. It’s actually more common than you think.
There isn’t one explanation that fits everyone. And sometimes the silence started long before the abusive relationship did.
“Silence is not proof that abuse didn’t happen. Sometimes surviving each day takes everything a person has, and keeping the peace is the only way to stay alive.”
— Break the Silence Against Domestic Violence
When Violence Is All You’ve Ever Known
One of my earliest childhood memories is watching my father abuse my mother. I remember very little from that time.
I hate that traumatic memories seem to stick more than the good ones, at least in my experience. I had happy times and people who loved me. But the bad memories are definitely more clear.
Imagine that. One of my first real memories of life involves violence.
I knew it wasn’t right. I wanted to protect my mother. But I didn’t realize how unusual it was. It was the environment I knew.
You learn to recognize changes in someone’s mood, what might set them off—sometimes it’s totally random—and when it’s safer to stay quiet. Those lessons can follow you into adulthood.
I don’t remember anyone telling me to hide what happened at home. But it wasn’t something I discussed with most of my friends. My father was out of my mother’s life when I was around four, but he continued being off and on in my life through my teenage years. Still doing the same thing he has always done. He taught me not to be a “snitch.”
For years, I carried that belief with me. I still feel it to an extent. But now I call for help when I or someone else needs it. Childhood violence can affect how we recognize danger and seek help later. Everyone responds differently. But when silence is survival, speaking up can feel like inviting danger—or shame.
“As traumatized children, we always dreamed that someone would come and save us. We never dreamed that it would, in fact, be ourselves as adults.”
— Alice Little
The Psychology of Fear: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn
Most people have heard of “fight or flight.” But those aren’t our only responses to danger in these situations.
- Some people fight back.
- Others flee, trying to get to safety.
- Some freeze, unable to move or speak even when they want to.
- And then there’s fawn, also called survival-based appeasement. This can mean agreeing with someone, apologizing for things you didn’t do, acting affectionate, or pretending you want to stay in contact—whatever you think will keep that person calm and prevent more abuse.
Someone can look cooperative while feeling absolutely terrified inside. These aren’t signs of weakness. Surviving doesn’t always look like fighting back. Sometimes it means doing whatever gets you through the day safely.
“When your baseline is survival, your nervous system is trapped in a loop. Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn are exhausting jobs for a body that just wants to rest.”
— Trauma-Informed Advocacy Consensus
When the Person Hurting You Is Someone You Love
People picture an abusive romantic partner when they hear “domestic violence.” But abuse happens within families, too—including between parents and adult children.
You can love someone and still fear them.
After treatment, my counselor helped me establish boundaries with my father. One was that I needed him to be sober for two years before we could rebuild our relationship.
Was that a big ask? Absolutely. But it was what I needed to protect my mental health and sobriety.
I wrote him a sincere message.
His response?
A several long rage rambing, name-calling, personal insults, and threats against Dustin.
Then I did something I never thought I’d do. I sought a protective order (stalking order). In my mind, I might as well have been “snitching.” But because he’d drilled that belief into me, I think that decision was in a way to show him I wasn’t putting up with his bullshit anymore and I truly have changed.
Before sobriety, my father and I drank together, we used certain drugs together (I have never liked meth) and I was part of that toxic dynamic, too. I always used that as an excuse that whatever arguments we got into was just as much my fault. But after getting sober, that wasn’t the issue anymore, and it became very clear.
Being family doesn’t give someone permission to abuse you. Setting boundaries doesn’t make you a bad daughter, son, parent, partner, or sibling. You can love people from a distance and still keep your serenity.
“Domestic violence causes far more pain than the visible marks of bruises and scars. It is devastating to be abused by someone that you love and think loves you in return.”
— Dianne Feinstein
Why Do We Blame the Victim Instead of the Abuser?
The way society talks about abuse is mind-boggling to me.
“Why did she stay?”
“Why did he go back?”
“Why didn’t they report it sooner?”
Notice how those questions focus the victim instead of the abuser?
With sexual violence, it gets even worse.
“What was she wearing?”
“Was she drinking?”
“Why was she alone?”
The just-world belief is the tendency to assume people get what they deserve. If we blame someone’s choices for their suffering, we can pretend we’d be safe by making different ones.
But that’s not how abuse works. Someone can stay, go back, or freeze during an assault without being responsible for the violence. There is so much to it… not just physically or sexually, but emotionally and psychologically. Freezing or returning does not mean there is consent in that situation.
We NEED to stop expecting victims to make perfect decisions while making excuses for people who choose to hurt them. No one can know how they would handle it unless they were in the exact same position with the same circumstances.
The responsibility for abuse belongs to the abuser. Period.
“Trauma creates change you don’t choose. Healing is about creating change you do choose.”
— Michelle Rosenthal
Man or Bear? Why I Believe So Many Women Chose the Bear
Remember the viral question from 2024: Would you rather be alone in the woods with a random man or a random bear?Many women chose the bear. And boy, did some men hate that. I’ve heard plenty of people call it ridiculous. But they missed the point entirely. It’s so much bigger than that simple question.
In my personal opinion, it wasn’t literally about whether a bear or a man was statistically safer. And I actually understand why so many women struggled with this question, because I struggle with it myself.
Think about it. Women have spent far more time protecting themselves from other people than from bears. And when you’ve experienced violence, manipulation, or betrayal so often, you learn that danger isn’t always obvious.
A bear is obviously dangerous, but there’s also a chance it would leave you completely alone. The same could be said about a random man. He might be perfectly harmless. But he might not be.
The difference is that a bear isn’t going to pretend to be someone it’s not. A person can.
For some women, that’s what makes this question so complicated. Some of the people who have hurt us the most were people we once trusted, loved, or believed would never hurt us.
Women participating in the debate also talked about assault, being blamed, and worrying nobody would believe them. Nobody asks someone attacked by a bear what they were wearing or why they “led it on.”
No, that doesn’t mean we think every man is dangerous. But instead of getting defensive, why not ask why so many women felt that way? Wouldn’t that trouble you if someone you loved chose the bear?
Sometimes the most frightening thing about danger isn’t knowing it’s there. It’s not knowing who you can trust.
“I can look at a wild animal and usually tell if it’s going to bite me… I have a feel for them. But humans? Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.”
— Steve Irwin
False Accusations vs. Victims Who Cannot Prove What Happened
Whenever abuse comes up, somebody asks, “What about false accusations?” Yes, false accusations happen and can do extreme harm, in so many different ways. Those very few bad eggs are the real reason we are in the reality we are. But everyone deserves a fair investigation.
Let’s look at what the research says. The National Sexual Violence Resource Center cites studies estimating that 2–10% of reports of sexual assault are false. That applies to sexual assault reports, not all domestic violence accusations.
A dismissed or settled case doesn’t mean someone lied.
Neither does a decision not to file charges or an acquittal.
An unproven accusation isn’t automatically a false accusation.
And a case ending doesn’t mean the survivors are safe.
Remember the boy who cried wolf? Someone who has lied before may be harder to believe. But that doesn’t mean they should automatically be dismissed. They still deserve to be heard, taken seriously, and given a fair investigation.
Someone’s history of not being honest doesn’t mean they deserve to be abused. And if we dismiss someone simply because they’ve lied in the past, we risk failing a person who genuinely needs our help.
We can take accusations seriously and protect due process.
Those things aren’t mutually exclusive.
“Rape is the only crime in which the victim becomes the accused.”
— Freda Adler
“An accusation fits on a bumper sticker; the truth takes longer to explain.”
— Michael Hayden
What Happens When Someone Finally Speaks Up?
Imagine finally finding the courage to tell someone what’s happening, and the response is:
“Are you sure you’re not exaggerating?”
“That doesn’t sound like him.”
“But that’s your father. He wouldn’t do that. Quit lying.”
“Are you sure you didn’t escalate it?”
“Are you sure you didn’t give them the wrong idea?”
Imagine how that would feel after going through something so traumatic; when you already wondered whether asking for help was worth it… for that exact reason.
In a 2021 National Domestic Violence Hotline survey, among respondents who had contacted police, 25% said they were threatened with arrest, and 12% reported being arrested despite identifying themselves as victims. This survey wasn’t representative of all victims, and an arrest doesn’t automatically mean a false-reporting charge.
But still….. just Imagine being in that situation.
And people wonder why women often don’t get the law involved — they are not protecting us.
You don’t need every detail to respond with compassion. Sometimes you just need to say:
“I’m glad you told me.”
“What do you need right now?”
“How can I help you feel safer?”
You have to make victims feel safe. You are just traumatizing that person so much more when victim-blaming is started (and they turn out to truly a victim). How we respond can determine whether someone feels safe asking for help in the future and minimize the trauma that comes after an assault.
“The only people who are mad at you for speaking the truth are those people who are living a lie. Keep speaking the truth.”
— Community Sentiment
“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.”
— Albert Einstein
What Actually Needs to Change?
We need to teach children about boundaries, manipulation, gaslighting, and abuse. Employers, schools, families, and first responders need to recognize warning signs without making things more dangerous.
I also know firsthand how difficult asking for help can get.
I was once trapped in a frightening five-day situation with someone who had taken an ungodly number of pills every day and didn’t sleep. He had already caused a couple scenes so the neighbor messaged me. On day two, my neighbors watched for an opening, and I had the few things I needed. When he headed toward the garage, the wife next door text me. I grabbed my shit and ran to their house as fast as I could, hiding in the basement. Her husband distracted him by taking him for a drive so I could get in my car and leave.
By day four, my house was destroyed. My neighbors were literally afraid to let their children outside. My dogs were still there, and I was terrified for them. I was also worried he might overdose or have a seizure.
So, I did something I have never done and called the police on my partner. They did a wellness check. I told them about the aggression, etc. But I was told that because he lived there, removing him was a civil matter. I was told the only way they could remove him was if I returned to the house, got into a confrontation, and then called them for help in the midst.
I snuck out on Day 2 because I was truly scared for my safety—and you’re telling me to go back on Day 4, after he has had even more time without sleep, and who knows how many more pills and alcohol? So basically, go back, hope you’re safe, hope you have a way to call for help if not.
Think about that. I had already escaped. The police told met to go back! I was terrified and had no idea what to do.
We need safer ways for people to get help. Nobody should feel that provoking another confrontation is their only option.
Men can be victims, too. I want to make that very clear. Women can be perpetrators. And nobody should be ashamed of how they reacted while trying to survive. A lot of men have strong morals never to lay hands on a woman; so sometimes they don’t react back…. in my experience they are the minority, unfortunately.
Education and awareness matter. But so does accountability.
“We don’t just need better reporting mechanisms; we need institutions that do not view the victim’s voice as a threat to their public relations. A system that protects its reputation over its people is inherently broken.”
— Jennifer Freyd
You Don’t Owe Anyone an Explanation for Surviving
Let’s return to those first questions.
“Why didn’t you leave?”
“Why didn’t you call the police?”
“Why didn’t you tell someone sooner?”
Maybe someone feared retaliation. Maybe they loved the person and was just praying things would get better. Maybe they’d already asked for help and weren’t believed. Maybe they didn’t want to tear up their family. Or maybe silence had always felt safer.
Abuse and survival don’t come with a rulebook. Nobody should have to justify how they survived in order to deserve compassion.
Instead of asking victims why they didn’t speak up sooner, maybe we should ask why so many people have learned that speaking up can feel more dangerous than staying silent.
Always read with care. 💜
Healing’s a hell of a detour—but we don’t have to walk it alone.
Have a great week. Talk to you next time.
You survived something that was meant to break you… You don’t have to rush your healing to make other people comfortable, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation for the pain you’re still working through.”
— Domestic Violence Awareness USA
References & Further Reading
- Bureau of Justice Statistics. Key Findings from the 2024 National Crime Victimization Survey: Domestic Violence. https://bjs.ojp.gov/document/domesticviolence_2024.pdf
- National Domestic Violence Hotline. Law Enforcement Experience Report (survey conducted 2021). https://wscadv.org/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/National-Hotline-Law-Enforcement-Experience-Report-2021.pdf
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. About Adverse Childhood Experiences. https://www.cdc.gov/aces/about/
- RAINN. Fight, Flight, Freeze, & Fawn: Understanding Survival Responses. https://rainn.org/mental-health-therapy-support-after-sexual-violence/fight-flight-freeze-and-fawn-understanding-survival-responses/
- van den Bos, K., & Maas, M. (2009). On the psychology of the belief in a just world: Exploring experiential and rationalistic paths to victim blaming. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19726809/
- National Sexual Violence Resource Center. False Reporting Overview and Lisak et al. (2010) research summary. https://www.nsvrc.org/statistic/5896/
- National Domestic Violence Hotline. Preparing to Leave. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/preparing-to-leave-2/
Resources & Support
National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or visit thehotline.org for confidential support and safety-planning assistance.
RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: Call 800-656-HOPE (4673), text HOPE to 64673, or visit rainn.org.
If you feel more comfortable discussing with me rather than 800, feel free to reach out to me at detourfromhell.org, and I would be happy to research organizations and resources that are in your area, if your not safely able to.
Immediate danger: Call 911 if it is safe to do so.
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